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I love a grainy picture more than a clear one. 

I guess there's just something about it.

Anyway, this photo is about the rings that I wear. I don't really like to wear jewelry. It gets pretty annoying after a while and sometimes it just gets in the way (I've come close to a few cappuccino accidents).  I met a performer/teacher one day and we had a lovely conversation about art, pedagogy styles, and life.  Our conversation ended when he wrote a note that said "Camilla, find purpose in everything." And there is purpose behind those three rings.

On my left hand I wear an orange band on my ring finger.  It's pretty simple and not noticeable. I wear it for my grandmother's who provide me with incredible inspiration.  When they both died (my Filipina grandma, Nanai, when I was 9 and my Mississippi grandma, Grandmother Gladys, when I was 18) I cried so hard that I practically wailed. Afterwards I stopped crying and just sat somewhere completely numb and motionless.  My two grandmothers are incredibly strong women.  They both raised 5+ children.  Nanai hid herself, her husband, and her then three sons from Japanese soldiers in various caves of the Philippines during WWII.  Grandmother Gladys was a single parent with diabetes who worked as an elementary school teacher in order to raise her kids in the Mississippi delta during the 40s, 50s, and 60s.  She also made a bit more money by selling candy to the neighbor kids at her house. Every time we visited my Grandma she'd let me sneak in some candies while we watched TV together. And OHHH, could these two women cook! Some of my best memories of childhood are of them cooking breakfast right when I woke up. Nanai's tapa and champarado or Grandmother Gladys' peach cobbler with fried zuccini's on the side.  But anyway, sometime this year I was writing down poem fragments that were in my head and I came up with "I wear a ring because I'm married to the idea to be more like you." Then I thought damn, why don't I just do that? So I did.  But the process for that was a little bit difficult because that's where I used to wear an old promise ring with someone that I was planning on getting married with. (I know... eww) The culmination of me getting the orange band was a pretty big deal because it meant that I was no longer in pain from that past relationship.  It also means that I want to become a strong womyn of color who would be guided by the spirits of her grandmothers instead of be someone who dictates her life based on a lover's.

On my right pinky finger I wear my old chastity ring. My cousin Heather gave it to me when I made the promise. Clearly, I broke it.  You'd probably think that I wear it as a tortuous reminder of a broken promise that I made to myself, my family and God.  It's okay, I'd think the same thing too. Just so you know, I don't wear it for that reason.  This ring used to be wear the orange band is. Then it was replaced by a promise ring given from the ex that I previously mentioned.  Because we were planning on getting married I decided that it'd be alright for me to lose it.  The relationship turned out to be rather painful and abusive.  It had a remarkably clean ending but very sloppy consequences. However, I'm more than grateful that I'm still not with him.  (Many of you know why, but if you don't feel free to ask me.)  The old chastity ring stays on the finger as a symbol of gratitude and reverence.  I'm grateful to the situation (and very thankful that I'm not longer in it!) because it has taught me that although someone tried take away my dignity (in order to make me dependent on him) he never truly succeeded.  I walk tall with a crown on my head (not literally), a radiant spirit, and the knowledge that I am not broken nor will I ever be.

On my right index finger is a Tibetan mantra.  It reads Om mani padme hum. It can either be translated as "Hail the jewel on the lotus," "Behold! The Jewel of the Lotus," or "My heart is the jewel on the lotus." I prefer the second and third readings.  I found out the significance of the lotus flower from a yogi, she wrote:

The lotus flower is symbol of purity of heart and mind, knowledge and enlightenment.  It thrives in muddy waters and rises to the surface to blossom one petal at a time.  The lotus illustrates how we can all grow beautifully, even from sticky situations.

And it stuck with me and the situations I had undergone, especially with being here in NYC.  This observation on the lotus is pretty much universal, no matter what ones lifestyle is. I've dealt with so much insecurity and self-hatred that was debilitating my lifestyle and crippling me.  Now I'm beginning to see the beauty in myself and the beauty of life despite all of the ugly things that are happening, have happened and will happen.  Now, when I'm in a dance class and I feel that I'm going to get hard on myself I take a second to remind myself that I was made in God's image.  Therefore, I am perfect despite my physical imperfections.  Because of that I am able to rise beyond the muddy criticisms that I drown myself in and I can become like the lotus: beautiful, like all the things that He made.  I hope to get the ring blessed by a priest that I usually see on Tuesday nights (though he wasn't at Bible study last night).  This ring is the physical symbol of the beginnings of my spiritual journey.




I don't expect to wear the rings every day or for the duration of my life.  They mean a lot to me right now and when I feel that a new transition is necessary then I'll take it.  But, for now, they are my symbols of salvation.